Biography: Not the A&E Kind

While reading the UK's Daily Mail online - because of course I only read serious news - there was an item about Heather Mills planning a biopic of her life. She is intent on getting Reese Witherspoon to play her in this film. Well, hell, Heather, who wouldn't want to be portrayed by an actress as adorable and talented (and a decade younger) as Ms. Witherspoon? And if I were a man - as in say, Jared the Subway dieter - I would insist that only Johnny Depp would have the finesse to capture my sensitive soul.

Mills has had quite a life, and at 39 there is plenty of material to develop a script around while still sparing us from viewing all that jiggy sex that Sir McCartney and his wife allegedly enjoyed during the early days of love. I believe I'd rather watch her leg being amputated.

I think to myself... if I had a film made about my life until age 39, it might be more of a seventies-style TV movie of the week. Let's call it Debra: Shopkeeping, Children's Birthday Parties, and the Peter Pans She Loved. Okay, I'll have to work on the title. Maybe it's more like Debra: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Learned to Love Dancing with my Peter Pan Boyfriends to the Tune of Spice Girls Anthems Played at My Daughters' Birthday Parties While Hoping the Store Was Not Shoplifted Blind Because My Employees Were On The Phone While I Was Throwing Said Party.

God, I'm suddenly glad that I'm 47.

Okay, so of course my love interests will be played by Johnny Depp and Gael Garcia Bernal and Jake Gyllenhaal. And although I have always looked to Woody Allen-era Diane Keaton as my guiding force, a woman just doesn't choose a much-older actress to play her part. So I'm thinking Kate Winslet or Cate Blanchett, since both are so great that they could take the sometimes mundane details of an ordinary life and turn those suckers into Oscar-worthy High Drama. I sort of fancy the idea of either an Aussie or a Brit trying to approximate my Georgia-but-fighting-the-drawl accent. Also, they'd need to gain X number of pounds ASAP, because there is "More Of Me To Love" or "A Few Extra Pounds", depending on which personals websites a person such as I could use (if I weren't "In A Relationship", as I indicated on MySpace).

And the director? Let's call it an ensemble work featuring the Spikes: Jonze and Lee. I think that Jonze is a good chaos director, which is a plus, but I love Spike Lee so much that maybe he could direct a fantasy sequence of me as a black woman - Halle Berry, perhaps, but not like her amazing Jungle Fever performance as the crack whore. A dream sequence, with a cameo by Denzel or Djimon, of course. And an ice cube.

It might not be a successful concept, but it would be a different sort of Hollywood movie. And it would be less predictable than seeing the dirty laundry of a Beatle as viewed by his golddigging ex-wife.

Hey, I'd like to watch it.

NTD